I’ve been trying to put my feelings into words about this trip to South Africa. It’s difficult to make sense of them all. It’s a complex web of intersecting and interwoven emotions. There are simple ones, like how much I’m looking forward to seeing the lovely beings there again, and more complicated ones, like how ambivalent I’m feeling, and how much I’m judging myself for feeling ambivalent. I’ve been telling myself how I should be feeling for so much time that I’m not even sure what I am feeling.
There are things I am looking forward to, like seeing all the people, and camp, and being back in the beauty that is South Africa. There are things I am looking at with trepidation–staying warm enough, managing my energy well, feeling like I am doing and being enough. Especially that last one.
I’m putting myself under a lot of pressure and I think that’s what’s causing the ambivalent feelings. People have donated money to get us to South Africa. I owe it to them to go there and do something Meaningful and Powerful and Important. Or so I feel. And I know that what I will be doing will have meaning, power, and importance, but not to the level that my ego wants it to be. Oh, that stupid desire to fix, and to please. Such a quagmire.
When I can get away from the constructions of the ego and the desire to Make A Difference, and just think of the things we will do and the people we will do them with, I feel a sense of joy and peace. I have to let that be enough.
I have to let myself be enough. I am only me–fallible, human, complicated, prone to make mistakes. Last time we went to South Africa it was with the energy and the hope that we would Change The World. Now I know that the world changes, but often in soft, small ways that are not easily explained or even seen. And sometimes the direction the changes take are not what I would have chosen, but the beings who are my teachers choose wisely, even if I can’t always see it.
My hopes for this trip:
- Keep my heart wide open
- Love more, judge less (especially with myself!)
- Serve by doing what’s right in front of me
- Get out of the way and let the Universe do its thing.
That’s actually a pretty good list for all the time, not just this trip.
Wow, I feel better. Thanks for letting me process in public. Tomorrow we start the packing in earnest, and 72 hours from now we’ll be over the Atlantic. Whew.