So the merry-go-round has finally eased to a stop. The external forces acting upon us have ceased, for the time being. We have a couple of weeks before the next external imperative, the next thing we have to do. There is a space here.
We’ve been going and going and going for so long that I think I’ve forgotten how to stop.
I’ve been looking forward to this downtime for weeks now–time to read, reflect, journal, exercise, just take care of myself in general.
And now that it’s here, I’m going a little crazy. The so-called “rational” voice in my head has chosen this moment to show up–are you nuts? What do you think you’re doing–re-enacting your adolescence? What kind of “real” adult has a life plan like this? Shouldn’t you just get an apartment, get a job and forget all this nonsense?
And, of course, the world has continued to churn while we were gone. Some people are still wanting to fight. I shouldn’t be surprised–just because I have been changed in the past several weeks doesn’t mean that the world has changed. I need to figure out my new responses to old “issues”. I’m still trying to recover a sense of equilibrium, still learning how to integrate the new experiences I’ve had into the same old realities that still exist and still assert their right to exist, despite my lack of interest in playing the same old game.
It’s enough to make a girl go insane.
I have some work to do–a revamping of the layout of this blog, lots of reading that has presented itself, raking leaves, writing and editing photographs. But I think my main work at this time is to be Present. We are poised, in a particularly vivid way, between the past and the future, and it’s easy to think that the present is a void between the two, because there’s not much goal-oriented activity going on right now.
But I think this is a gift, disguised in a plain brown wrapper. This moment is all that there is. The rest is unreal. We have plans, we have ideas, we have memories. But every moment spent there is a moment not spent in the present.
So I’m going to be right where I Am. I’m breathing in and out.